Davo
Small, nuggetty back pocket who will not accept anything less than total commitment to the cause. The size of Davo’s heart more than compensates for his perceived lack of talent. Has seen many moons.
Dougie
If, by some miracle, his direct opponent kicks more than three goals, do not look at the lad post-match – let alone early in the week. It will take a few days to digest what just happened, and realise that it was the midfield's fault for their lack of pressure preventing perfect delivery. Back in the gym by Wednesday. At all times adhere to the 'KIS' strategy: Keep it simple.
Hughie
Polar opposite to Davo. Has his nose in everything. Has his fingers on the pulse – will be involved in any gags, pranks or stitch-ups that are happening. Loves a laugh, particularly at another's expense. Has a beautiful leg also. Must take the kick-out, and prevent Davo from doing so at all costs.
HALF-BACKS
Sammy
The half-back with rocks for brains. No fear. His kamikaze style endears him to coaches and supporters alike, for his total lack of self-regard.
Jacko
Leader of the backs, on and off the field. Bit of a rooster who marshals his troops during times of need. Footy trips are his time to shine.
Jimmy
The polish. The running back who has the ability to kick long goals on the run and set up play from the back half. Been known to wear his jumper for consecutive weeks without a wash.
CENTRES
Timothy
Will shake his opponent's hand before the siren and be oblivious to him for the remainder of the game. Runs all day (very wide) and wears a glove. Often the president's or a board member's son.
Bobby
Skip, captain, boss. Bobbie is a man's man. The engine room who leads from the front. Inspirational and courageous, he will do anything for his boys.
Louie
Has Hughie in his back pocket. Is the brains behind the operation. Using his puppet strings to great effect, Hughie and Louie are not often seen apart as they plot, scam and scheme their next gag. Also has a raking left boot with a knack for taking a big grab.
HALF-FORWARDS
Bomber
He’s the new guy whose name seems to escape everyone once he has the ball in his hands. Nicknamed because he wore an Essendon jumper on the first night of training. A fringe player who is in and out of the side.
Johnno
Has bravado and arrogance in spades, and the strut to match. Oils the guns before he runs out, after completing 25 push-ups. Often confuses ability with ambition, but still a genuine match-winner at times.
Thommo
Massive engine, works up behind the ball almost as an extra midfielder. Workrate cannot be questioned. Otherwise known as ‘Bob Cat’.
FORWARDS
Trev
A pup. New to the club via the juniors. Not sure where he fits in yet, laughs with others, but never at. Should become a promising midfielder.
Big Bruce
“Get out of my space” can be heard from anywhere on the ground. Left foot, right foot, from the boundary or just outside fifty, will have a ping. Is unfamiliar, somewhat perplexed, with some advancements of the game – yet to master or understand handballing.
Dewey
Cheeky small forward who will handball over your head, gather, bounce, and goal, given half a chance. The class clown, sitting in Louie’s other back pocket.
FOLLOWERS
Colin
Given the sheer size of the man, it takes messages a little longer to travel from the brain to any other appendage. 'KIS' strategy must apply at all times when dealing with Colin.
Stevo
Stylish, smooth and balanced. When Stevo plays well, you win. The Rolls Royce cruising around picking up touches at will. Struggles with close attention.
Simmo
Ever-dependable. Twenty-two touches equates to a poor game, 26 – outstanding. A blue-collar workhorse who just gets the job done.
INTERCHANGE
Fossil
Legendary midfielder who's put on a few pounds and is now best suited to playing in a back pocket – when he gets a run.
Clarky
Erratic tall forward. Not really one for training, but on his day, he can kick six and tear the match apart.
Spider
Young ruckman, six-foot-plenty and growing. Given nickname within first 30 seconds at the club. Runs (and kicks) like a giraffe.
Bluey
Red hair, freckles, big grin. Can't play, but a lovely fella.
The views in this article are those of the author and not necessarily those of the clubs or the AFL.
