Dreams and NightMayors

LIKE any obsession, Toyota AFL Dream Team takes a toll on your life. Stress, anxiety, headaches, rage, nausea, moodiness, depression, and vivid, panic-inducing nightmares in which someone hacks into the site, steals your password, and trades Hamish McIntosh for Hamish Blake.

The greatest toll of Dream Team, however, is exacted not upon yourself, but upon your partner. Living with a Dream Teamer is like living with a junkie. It’s their focus, it’s their entertainment and, after a while, it’s all they care about. 

Are you even listening to me?

One of the first signs that your relationship is in trouble is when you don’t hear your partner any more and just stare at the scores and pretend to listen.

“I had a shocking day at work today.”

“Um – really? Cool.”

“Yeah, I lost my hand in a threshing machine and I’m probably going to get fired.”

“Far out.”

“You’re not listening to a word I’m saying, are you?  Well, in other news, I just torched your car, stole your credit cards, and am pregnant with Eddie Betts’ child.”

“Oh my God! I think Shaun Higgins just pulled a hammy!”

Spy vs Spy

One way of limiting the damage to your relationship is to try to check Dream Team scores on the sly. I’ve developed many scams over the years, none of which really work.

Last August, for example, I bought myself one of those big-screened smart phones so I’d have the scores with me constantly. The trick was to look at it without my girlfriend noticing. I’d pull the phone out and pretend to check the time – or the date – or the details of an important call.

This method only worked for quick checks or updates and sometimes I needed more time. This where were restaurant meals came in. I’d flip open the menu, hide behind it, slip my phone out of my sleeve, and then spend 15 minutes deciding between “lamb curry” and “chicken tikka masala.”

If that didn’t work, I’d nudge my fork off the table, bend over to pick it up, and stay down there for as long as it took.

My girlfriend is not an idiot, however, and phones at dinner are now banned.

Calculating the damage

A few weeks ago, I decided to quiz my girlfriend about the impact of Dream Team on our lives and asked her the following questions:

“Do you like me more or less during Dream Team season?”

“Less.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes.”

“But you’re just kidding, right?”

“No.”

“If I had to choose between you and a speedy recover for Dean Cox’s groin, which do you think I’d go with?”

“Dean Cox.”

“Correct! Does this worry you?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think that Dream Team is actually bad for our relationship?”

“Absolutely.”

“In a serious way or in a funny way?”

“In a serious way.”

“Is it true that you have a crush on Chance Bateman”

“Do not print that! I just like the way he plays.”

“Sure you do.”

This week’s question

This week, I want you to complete this sentence “I knew Dream Team was annoying my partner when…” and send it in to dreamteam@afl.com.au, making sure to put ‘Hindy’ in the subject line. I’ll run the best answers in next week’s column.

Thanks to all those people who answered last week’s question “I knew I’d met a fellow Dream Team fan when…?”

Nathan Caccamo knew when he and another guy tried to register Dream Team studies as a tertiary course

Cam Stiller knew when a girl he’d just met had to wrap up their date to get her trades in.

Cheers,

Hindy
CEO and coach of the Hindsight Mayors

The views in this article are those of the author and not necessarily those of the clubs or the AFL.