IT'S BACK ... Damian Barrett's Sliding Doors is in full swing and no one and NO CLUB is safe.

So put your seatbelt on and enjoy the ride as Damo takes off the gloves and takes aim at your team.

So what is he saying about your club? What's he saying about the AFL? You can't say that, Damo, can you? Check it out below.

IF ...

Taylor Walker's time as a Crow is up after 14 seasons ...

THEN ...

there will be bidders for 2023.

IF ..

the halfway point of the season has been reached with a 9-2 scoreline, with the two losses (Geelong, round four, and Hawthorn, round 10) by a combined 15 points ...

THEN ...

the premiership campaign is going beautifully. And it will be looking even better when they beat the Dockers in Perth on Sunday.

IF ...

the Blues have the bye this weekend ...

THEN ...

I still can’t wait for their next match, against hated rival Essendon at the MCG under Round 13 Friday night lights. The most watchable team to this point of ’22.

IF ...

Pendles has racked up 4516 handballs in his extraordinary 344-match career ...

THEN ...

the most recent of those was probably his worst. 19 seconds remaining, his team in front by four points. Unbelievably, chose to play on from the kick-out, and handballed, badly, to an already under-pressure Jeremy Howe. Got away with it. You’re allowed a clanger or two when you’ve done what he’s done.

04:05 Mins
Published on

Last two mins: Blue heartbreak, Pies prevail in a classic

The thrilling final moments between the Pies and Blues in round 11

Published on

IF ...

North Melbourne had been this season’s clubhouse leader on how to attract unnecessary attention to operations ...

THEN ...

on Monday night, Bombers president Paul Brasher said: “Hold my beer”! An announcement to members of a full-scale review – to be conducted by the same three directors who steered a review just 18 months ago -  followed by 24 hours of mop-up media interviews where he attempted to say all main jobs were safe, even before the review, which was supposedly not really a major review anyway, was to begin. Laughable. Farcical.

IF ...

the origin of the “you don’t send a Ferrari to plough a field” line has been lost over time - was it Ross Lyon? (he says he can’t remember if it was), was it Denis Pagan (he says it wasn’t him), maybe it was Wayne Carey (he feels it was Pagan or Lyon) - over the years ...

THEN ...

it still has useful context around Nat Fyfe returning to football via the WAFL this weekend. The two-time Brownlow Medallist playing for Peel Thunder. Fully respect Justin Longmuir’s decision to make him. But can’t believe it.

Nat Fyfe in action at Fremantle training on June 2, 2022. Picture: Fremantle FC

IF ...

Chris Scott three weeks ago wondrously mused about the next 12 seasons of Sam De Koning versus Max King battles ...

THEN ...

De Koning versus Aaron Naughton may be even more exciting. And headbands will be essential for this one, starting Friday night at Marvel Stadium.

Max King of St Kilda and Sam De Koning of Geelong compete in R9, 2022. Picture: Getty Images

IF ...

the Suns have won three of their past four ...

THEN ...

that’s good. But that’s all it is to this point. With the Roos next up on Saturday, they should get to 6-6. I really hope coach Stuart Dew can maintain this surge through to the finals. But I can’t, yet, subscribe to the push of others to re-contract him right now. Let it play out. Many more wins needed, and he knows that.

IF ...

two part-timers (James Hird, Dean Solomon) are sitting alongside interim coach Mark McVeigh and effectively in charge of this team during the remaining matches this season ...

THEN ...

I wonder what the permanent assistant coaches are really thinking of that situation.

IF ...

Luke Breust and Liam Shiels respectively started their careers in 2011 and 2009, played in an all-time great era of success, and have shared three premierships and a wonderful friendship ...

THEN ...

how fitting they arrive at round 12, 2022, for their 250-match milestones. Very good footballers, very good people.

IF ...

Steven May getting concussed and the winning streak ending was by far the worst Demons news in the past 18 matches ...

THEN ...

Christian Salem playing, against the Swans on Saturday night, for the first time since round one this year brightens the gloom.

IF ...

the 2022 season has been an unmitigated disaster ...

THEN ...

one way to start fixing the problem: defeating Gold Coast in Darwin on Saturday. Won’t be easy, it never is for the Roos, especially so without Zurhaar.

IF ...

0-5 was disastrous ...

THEN ...

5-6 is sort-of OK at the bye. But even Port’s very best seems a long way off a lot of other teams’ best.

IF ...

Buddy, rightfully, got an apology from the AFL after its legal counsel called his hit on Cotchin as “cowardly” ... 

THEN ...

Cotchin, too, deserves one from Buddy’s counsel, for saying, “he might be invited to the Logies and not the Brownlow this year”. Real funny stuff. Ha ha ha. Stitch me up. He’d obviously worked on that one for a while, probably bounced it off his QC mates for assurance. Surely, Wednesday night’s tribunal hearing finally proved to the AFL that it must remove the legal eagles from its judiciary system.

00:49 Mins
Published on

Is Buddy in hot water over this hit?

Lance Franklin makes high contact with Trent Cotchin as tempers flare at the SCG

Published on

IF ...

the Saints are going very nicely right now ...

 

THEN ...

they’d go even better if Jordan De Goey was on their list. Big chance he will be next year. His ballistic, explosive talents are what they’re missing most.

IF ...

Lachie Neale, Patty Cripps and Clayton Oliver are making the front running for the 2022 Brownlow Medal THEN ...

THEN ...

by 2024, maybe even next year, I expect Chad Warner to be in the mix. An extraordinary talent just 25 matches into his AFL life. Love absolutely everything about the way he plays.

IF ...

this club had the pride which was once the envy of the competition ...

THEN ...

there would be no reason it couldn’t beat the Crows at Adelaide Oval on Saturday. But even that’s gone missing in this most embarrassing of seasons.

IF ...

Bailey Smith is averaging 33 disposals from the nine games he’s played this year ...

THEN ...

the Cats will definitely be making him a major focus on Friday night. Joel Selwood for the stoppages? Mark O’Connor for everything else?

AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE AFL

IF ...

the reintroduction of the mid-season draft has been good for the competition ...

THEN ...

even better would be a mid-season trade period. Have been calling for this for 10 years. Unfortunately, the AFL doesn’t trust the clubs to make big decisions in-season