IT'S BACK ... Damian Barrett's Sliding Doors is in full swing for 2023 and no one and NO CLUB is safe.

So put your seatbelt on, strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride as Damo takes off the gloves and takes aim at your team.

So what is he saying about your club? What's he saying about the AFL? You can't say that, Damo, can you? Check it out below.

>> CLICK HERE TO READ MORE BARRETT 

IF ...

the Crows keep finding ways to stay out of the top eight ...

THEN ...

they keep being presented with opportunities to finish there. Will start a very short favourite to beat the Swans on Saturday night, and couldn't possibly lose to West Coast in the final game. Wins on both would give them 12 wins, 48 premiership points. Maybe not enough, maybe just enough.

IF ..

the 2023 Grand Final is on Saturday, September 30 ...

THEN ...

for the Lions, a mini-Grand Final presents on Friday night. Their opponent comes in the form of a smashed-up Collingwood at Marvel Stadium. Beat the Pies, Lions end up perfectly placed for a tilt at the real GF, as tonight's match is followed by a Gabba game against the Saints. Wins in both would guarantee a Gabba qualifying final, and a win in that game would provide a Gabba preliminary final. Massive stakes at play tonight.

IF ...

the past four of Carlton's eight consecutive wins have come without 2021 Coleman Medallist Harry McKay ...

THEN ...

what a boost for the Blues with him returning for Saturday's match against the Suns on the Gold Coast. If they properly manage this from here, with Sam Walsh, Adam Cerra, Jack Silvagni, Mitch McGovern and Matthew Kennedy also soon expected to be available, this club will loom as large as any of the double-chance finals teams.

IF ...

you've completed 22 of 24 matches and can't lose position one or two ...

THEN ...

you've got every right to start resting some banged-up players. Jordan De Goey and Bobby Hill joining the already injured Nick Daicos and Darcy Moore, out of Friday night lights against the Lions. I'd be resting Bruz Maynard and Pendles, maybe Elliott and Adams, too, in the next fortnight.

IF ...

ex-player David Zaharakis was an Essendon Football Club presence on the most recent series of Australian Survivor ...

THEN ...

Adrian Dodoro is now over qualified for the next series. The Bombers list and recruiting manager, still standing after 25 years of Essendon involvement. Officially saw off footy boss Josh Mahoney, who recently resigned.

IF ...

there is a lesson for this team to learn out of the 2023 season ...

THEN ...

it is that defensive mindset and tactics cannot be allowed to override the attacking ones. Yes, I realise you're young and that progress isn't always linear. But maybe time to headhunt a senior football official to shake this joint up. A nothing year, 2023.

IF ...

some are demanding Gryan Miers be included in the All-Australian squad ...

THEN ...

I can't have it. Sure, he may be perfectly poised for a tilt at the Cats' best-and-fairest, but an All-Australian forward who has kicked just six goals from 22 rounds of football? Please. So what if he is equal with the great Jason Akermanis from 2004 when it comes to goal assists. Aker kicked 40 goals in that season's home-and-away fixture to go with 39 goal assists (44 goals and 44 GAs after finals). And just backing over this so that everyone doesn't lose their minds – I'm not saying Gryan Miers isn't a good player, I'm just saying he's not All-Australian worthy this year.

IF ...

Dimma has decided to let this week pass without publicly confirming a decision to coach Gold Coast for five years ...

THEN ...

it will almost certainly happen before round 24. I reckon he didn't want to take any focus off the official exits this weekend of Tiger greats Trent Cotchin and Jack Riewoldt.

IF ...

Jake Riccardi's impact at AFL level has been a slow burn ...

THEN ...

the flames are starting to rise now. Twenty six goals from 15 matches this season. Victorian clubs very interested with his out-of-contract status.

IF ...

you keep hitting "refresh" on the AFL ladder function on the AFL Live app upon entry to round 23 of a 24-round season ...

THEN ...

each and every time, the Hawks remain in 16th place. The only two teams below them are basket cases. And the one immediately above them sacked its coach last month and is eight premiership points ahead.

IF ...

Trac and Clarry were once the new kids on the block ...

THEN ...

they're the established, box office, rock stars now. Up against a couple of budding gun acts in round 23, in Day and Newcombe. Really looking forward to seeing this gig on Sunday.

IF ...

there are now just two matches remaining in a season in which Ben McKay qualifies as a free agent ...

THEN ...

he's leaving things very late, or long ago decided to exit. The Roos believe it is the latter. And when it's all said and done, who could blame him? Has played in just one win from his past 36 matches, and none this year. Career tally for this 2015 national draft first round selection: seven wins from 69 games.

IF ...

Kochie and Kenny said it was going to be August ...

THEN ...

August it was. And what a mature, calm, professional, sound and classy way to deal with Kenny's contract. Compare this process with the shambles at St Kilda last year, and the humiliation it inflicted on Brett Ratten. Surely the Port way becomes the blueprint in how to manage out-of-contract coaches.

IF ...

you're a Tigers member and you're not at the MCG on Saturday ...

THEN ...

you'd want a good excuse. The farewell match for two Tigers greats, Cotch and Jack. Even with finals out of the question, surely the crowd gets beyond 60k? Maybe 70k? They deserve that number.

IF ...

we needed another reminder that the Saints' feats this year might not have been taken seriously by some ...

THEN ...

it was the significant underdog status, yet again, for Saturday night's home game at Marvel Stadium. Sixth versus 11th. Bookies' odds suggest it's 11th versus sixth.

IF ...

it wasn't for Carlton's eight-game winning streak ...

THEN ...

the Swans' five consecutive wins, after being 15th at the completion of round 17, would have received more rave reviews. Joel Amartey a sizeable out for Saturday night's game against the Crows, Dane Rampe a very big in.

IF ...

it took a fifth 100-point loss in 15 matches to finally make West Coast officials realise massive change was required ...

THEN ...

better late than never. Staggering, mind-blowing, ridiculous, embarrassing how lethargic and listless this once-AFL benchmark club has allowed itself to become.

IF ...

Tim English has been many things in 2023 and may end up in an All-Australian jacket ...

THEN ...

he was beyond limitations in taking the final kick-in Launceston last weekend. That play was reflective of much of the Bulldogs' play this season. Not everyone seems to be on the same page.

AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE AFL

IF ...

you actually stop to think about it given what seemingly the entire country has positively experienced with night matches played in another code in the past fortnight ...

THEN ...

it makes less than zero sense to start the pinnacle game of every AFL season in broad daylight on a Saturday, particularly when that actual time slot has now been used for many, many seasons to hide most of the lesser appealing games throughout the home-and-away season.