1: You call that security? This is security!
HELLO and welcome to The Four Points, brought to you today from Beijing, host city of the 2008 Olympic Games. We were going to have a video component to this article, but the Bosses, Mr Cui Pian and Mr Tiao, said it was in "the national interest" to present an attractive face to the world, rather than a "pug-ugly hack", so in future this column will be written by Miranda Kerr. Hooray!
Peering through the "mist" here in Beijing, we notice that the AFL is warning people not to run onto the playing field to dance about in wild opening-ceremony style fashion when Buddy or The Fev kicks his 100th goal. Fines and eviction may follow, the AFL says. Pffft. Fines and eviction are for melees and Big Brother contestants.
Beijing-style security is what we need. Ring the boundary line with Great Leap Forward tanks, rocket launchers, blokes with AK-47s and those poor dancing girls from the opening ceremony, who must have got their breath back by now.
2: Huddo crunches the numbers
If South Ossetia's upsettin' ya,
And tears run down your cheek,
Just have a read of Huddo,
He pops up every week.
If you thought the scoring system in the judo was odd ("And Hazakawa wins with an ippon, although his koka was better than his yoko ono, and he was penalised a point for pulling down his opponent's zubon ...") try working out the McIntyre finals system.
Anthony Hudson has, and he reckons coming fourth on the ladder at the end of the home and way season and facing annihilation at the hands of Geelong has got its benefits, including the chance of being annihilated again by the Cats in the Grand Final.
3: Great Haul of the People
The Bosses are staying in a nice five-star hotel, the Marriott Cultural Revolution, close to the Bird's Nest and the Water Cube, while we are stuck in a hutong hovel quite near the Sewer Outlet. All the talk here – apart from Mr Fu being carted off to hospital in the Medibank Private golf cart clutching at his heart and muttering something about the Polish Women's Volleyball Team – is of the futures of Terry Wallace and Neil Craig.
Tex has admitted that if the Tigers don't make the finals in 2009 – the 23rd year of his 26-year plan to win the flag – he'll probably fall on his sword ... if the sword isn't plunged into his twitching torso first by the club. Craigy, however, has the Crows job for life, much like the Chinese political leadership.
4: Dees and dollars
THE NEWS that Melbourne is likely to lose its major sponsor has hit the Olympics like all the left hooks our dud boxers have been copping. We'll be pounding the streets later on today, looking for any cast-off Games sponsors who might be seeking ways to spend their spare yuan.
Melbourne, you may recall, has a Chinese version of its website and prizes its relationship with China, so we reckon a quick spin around Tiananmen Square with a rattle tin will do the job.
What to look for this Wednesday on afl.com.au
Chinese whispers
DREAM TV this week features Hu Jintao talking about his Dream Team entry, Scotty Lucas' Unused Right Boot, while Wen Jiabao tells us why he has traded Jarryd Roughhead for Yao Ming.
Midweek madness
AS THE ancient Chinese proverb says, "Middle of week is time for study, contemplation, and media conferences from many clubs." Read all the news here.
The views in this story are those of the author and not necessarily those of the clubs or the AFL
