| IF | THEN | |
| Adelaide | the Crows had already managed to find the most extraordinary way to win a match in 2013 (v North, round nine) ... | … last week they managed to discover the most extraordinary way to lose one. |
| Brisbane Lions | one was to read anything into what Jonathan Brown said on The Footy Show on Thursday night … | … it was this: "I've played my last game." |
| Carlton | anyone is doubting Mick Malthouse right now … | … don't. Massive list changes will occur at season's end. Judge him this time next year. |
| Collingwood | Dane Swan racks up a few more BOGs in the remaining games ... | … could he get himself into Brownlow contention yet again? Yep, but only as runner-up to Gaz. |
| Essendon | One more person predicts a day in which James Hird is to willingly stand down … | … it will break the record (previously held by those who say you-know-who has been done for a third drugs strike) as the most incorrect AFL prediction ever |
| Fremantle | every single supporter of the 17 clubs other than Freo was to be totally honest with him or herself … | … he or she would admit to a strong desire to have Hayden Ballantyne as part of their team. |
| Geelong | the Cats right now, as they begin to look really vulnerable in the ruck, aren't second-guessing themselves about recruiting Hamish McIntosh … | … they will soon. |
| Gold Coast | we accurately recall this time last year… | … we will all remember that Gary Ablett was making noises that he wasn't all that happy. Haven't things been turned around! |
| GWS | the GWS boys knew the song as well as they did after their first win of the year ... | ... we have to ask: How? And then: Why? |
| Hawthorn | Hawthorn officials were worried 10 weeks ago about Buddy leaving them (and they were!!) … | … it is fair to say they are still worried, but not as worried. |
| Melbourne | Neil Craig could find a positive in what happened last week … | … he shouldn’t be coaching this club next year. He won't be coaching next year. |
| North Melbourne | the Kangaroos dished up that performance four more times in last quarters this year... | … we’d be hailing Brad Scott as coach of the year. |
| Port Adelaide | Chad Wingard’s performance in the Showdown proves one thing … | … it’s that this footy club got him cheap when it re-signed him until 2016 a month ago. |
| Richmond | Steve Morris doesn’t go top five in Richmond’s best and fairest … | … he’s very stiff. Been doing jobs all year. Kept Cyril to seven touches last weekend. |
| St Kilda | the Saints need to get Justin Koschitzke over the line to 200 games when he returns from a calf injury ... | … he must play back. |
| Sydney Swans | the Swans win the flag this year … | … Dane Rampe could be best pluck from obscurity ever. Well, at least in the 21st century. |
| West Coast | there is no doubt about John Worsfold coaching this club beyond 2013 … | … why isn't it made absolutely official? Because there is doubt, that's why. |
| Western Bulldogs | the Doggies knock off the Blues on Saturday, or at the very least stay competitive for the entire game … | ... this column will need to ease up on the criticism. |
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Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian
