| IF | THEN | |
| Adelaide | Adelaide can dish up what it did against the Pies, just one round after what it dished up against the Dees... | …more psychologists are needed in the AFL.. |
| Brisbane Lions | there weren't some uneasy Lions directors in the function room on Wednesday night when Vossy was inducted as a club Legend... | ...there should be a board upheaval. Oh hang on, there will be. |
| Carlton | Carlton wants to move to the MCG next season... | ...its fans better show up against the Crows there this Sunday. |
| Collingwood | anyone has seen Travis Cloke... | ...can you tell him he needs to be at the MCG on Saturday for a 4.40pm match start? |
| Essendon | Bombers players are distracted by the ASADA saga... | …they have every right to be. And the lawyers just get richer. |
| Fremantle | Ballantyne played every game like he does against Geelong... | ...he’d be a four-time All-Australian. Love his work. |
| Geelong | you think it's Groundhog Day... | ...it is. Didn’t Stevie J sit down with the coach and leaders and vow not to do anything silly about 12 months ago? |
| Gold Coast | you thought there was a missing piece of the jigsaw which completes the Suns-reach-finals picture... | ...it's been located. Just slot that Zac Smith piece in. |
| Greater Western Sydney | there is one player in the AFL who makes his team walk 10-foot taller... | ...it is Big Mummy. And he's back this week. Which means look out Tigers. |
| Hawthorn | Schoenmakers is the real deal… | …we’ll find out over the next month. His time to own a spot down back without Lake and Gibson. |
| Melbourne | the Melbourne hierarchy three weeks ago was worried about another lacklustre Queen’s Birthday match against the Pies... | ...they're not now. The joint will be packed in a fortnight. |
| North Melbourne | the Roos want us to take them seriously... | ...they must get close to, if not win, against the Cats. There's no reason they can't. |
| Port Adelaide | any tradie is in need of a half-dozen really big black tarps... | ...contact Port Adelaide Footy Club. It doesn't need 'em any more. The only cover on seats these days are backsides. |
| Richmond | we hear one more journo bagging Jack Riewoldt for what he said on Wednesday... | ...we might shake our head right off. The journo game needs Jack, and now it's lost him too. Fear there's no one left now. |
| St Kilda | ever a team needed a bye... | ...it’s the Saints. Looked OK at the start of the season but, since, ouch. |
| Sydney Swans | you got a touch giddy over Tom Mitchell’s stats in the twos... | ...take a deep breath. There's better suburban footy in Melbourne than the NEAFL. Which will always be a concern for the NSW and Queensland AFL teams. |
| West Coast | Nic Nat continues his lacklustre form this season... | ...will we, by the end of it, be re-engaged in the Nic Nat v Jack Watts debate? Yep. |
| Western Bulldogs | there’s ever been a team which has provided less reason to talk about it than the Bulldogs in 2014... | ...it must have been a pretty boring outfit. |
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Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian
