| IF | THEN | |
| Adelaide | you can produce that sort of performance in round nine... | …we're allowed to ask what the hell happened in the first eight weeks and wonder, with considerable anticipation, what might happen in the next 13. |
| Brisbane Lions | there’s one positive to come from the Lions this season... | ...hang on, there's not. Oh, all right, there is. His name is Tom Rockliff, and he's a gun. |
| Carlton | there was one player in the League who needed the bye after eight rounds... | ...it was Daisy. |
| Collingwood | we thought this team was a legitimate premiership chance before this round, and we did... | ...we're going to spend a few days reassessing that opinion. |
| Essendon | James Hird is coaching this club next year... | …we will be surprised. |
| Fremantle | the Dockers are to reignite this season which is clearly sputtering... | ...they need to beat the Cats. And they will. |
| Geelong | Chris Scott respects Ken Hinkley as much as we think he does... | ...he will copy the match-winning ploy of last week and leave big Sandi alone at around-ground ball-ups |
| Gold Coast | there's been a bigger waste of AFL millions than Karmichael Hunt... | ...oh hang on, there has. Hello Izzy. |
| Greater Western Sydney | Toby Greene wants to stay on an AFL list... | ...he needs to get his head out of his backside and be grateful for the opportunities he's been given. |
| Hawthorn | we back our judgement to read situations, and we do… | …never again will Clarko allow a Hawk player to travel overseas for leisure within the season. Gibbo, we backed you, but you've blown it for everyone now. |
| Melbourne | the Dees want to totally convince us they're on the improve... | ...they'll beat the Tigers. |
| North Melbourne | there's going to be one opinion this weekend that won't change no matter what happens... | ...it will be our question marks over the Roos' credentials. |
| Port Adelaide | this team maintains its surge right through to the pointy end of 2014... | ...please, can every other club cease investing in five and six-year plans? Let's all return to "the now", and be desperate about "the now". |
| Richmond | you're going to wear black arm bands this weekend... | ...don't be token about it and be 100 per cent committed to the reasons why. Tommy deserves that. |
| St Kilda | the first month of 2014 looked good... | ...there's been a reality check since. It was always going to be a very, very long season. |
| Sydney Swans | we have made an error in 2014, and we've made a few... | ...the biggest may be writing off the Swans so early. Looming as a big Oops. |
| West Coast | LeCras commits that bump in round six... | ...he’s out for four, maybe five, weeks. Coming PV (post Viney), it's a free-for-all on the head. Well done, Appeals Tribunal. Not. |
| Western Bulldogs | there's one guy we really hope can get a fair crack at this game... | ...it is Tom Williams. Eight seasons, 83 games. And yet, based on last week's heroics, could still be a star. Though not if he stays at the Bulldogs. |
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Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian
