IF
 		THEN
 
Adelaide
 		there's never been a worse time for a group of men to play a game of football, and yet at the same time never been a better time to play a game of football ...... it is the Crows' clash with the Eagles on Saturday night. Can't stop thinking about what the players will forever endure.
Brisbane Lions
 		there's a cause of a worse nightmare for the AFL right now than what is going on in south-east Queensland ...... it's only Essendon.
Carlton
 		John Barker wants to get himself seriously into the next-Blues-coach debate ...... the Blues have to win against the Tiges.
Collingwood
 		the Match Review Panel stands for anything ...... it will suspend Taylor Adams for that kneeing incident. But we bet it doesn't want to.
Essendon
 		Kevin Sheedy is so adamant these days as a paid Essendon Football Club employee that James Hird has copped it rough ...... we wonder why he wasn't so vocal when he was being paid by another club.
Fremantle
 		there's ever been a team with 12 wins and one loss after 13 matches with more question marks over it than this mob ...... well, there hasn't been. And we're predicting there to be a whole lot more after this weekend when that scoreline goes to 12-2.
Geelong
 		there's one team outside the eight we still think might cause some damage in 2015 ...... it is the Cats, starting with a win against the Roos.
Gold Coast
 		the AFL's integrity department felt the need to be deep in conversation with Suns officials this week ...... we ask, yet again, why they weren't deep in conversation back in March, when they were made aware of the same problems they are now making sure they are seen to be taking care of.
Greater Western Sydney

 		you spit at, or in the direction of another person ...... no amount of spin by your coach can change what that says about you. And just repeating for the record, no, Toby Greene is not good friends with Anthony Miles.
Hawthorn
 		footy fantasy comps want to stay relevant ...... they'll quick-smart develop a proper way to properly judge a guy who kicks five goals from seven kicks and single-handedly wins a game of footy for his team.
Melbourne
 		bookies, in yesteryear punting parlance, are offering not much more than 2s-on for the Demons to win a game ...... they seriously don't rate their opposition on that day.
North Melbourneanyone knows what happened to the Shinboner spirit ...... please contact Arden Street head office. Been missing since semi-final day 2014.
Port Adelaide
 		you want to know the name of the Port Adelaide captain beyond Travis Boak ...... his first name starts with O.
Richmond
 		the Brownlow is already run and won, and it is ...... the race for second is between Cotchin and Hannebery.
St Kilda
 		anyone back in March had predicted Josh Bruce would have 37 goals to his name after 13 matches in 2015 ...... no, nobody back in March predicted Josh Bruce would have 37 goals to his name by now.
Sydney Swans
 		Kurt Tippett wasn't recruited after the 2012 season ...... Sam Reid would have been a superstar by now. Might still become one, but only if given due responsibility each week.
West Coast
 		there's one thing we're looking forward to every week now that a certain player has returned from injury ...... it is the Darling-Kennedy forward line combo. Two footy brains, two outstanding players.
Western Bulldogsthere was something that made us feel genuinely good about life last weekend ...... it was watching a 168cm guy proving anything is possible, not only at an AFL venue in 2015 but in life itself.


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Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian