| IF | THEN | |
| Adelaide | Big Tex has committed to shaving off the mullet ... | … it's only natural that his great mate Big Ivan does the same. |
| Brisbane Lions | Brent Moloney was having any doubts about his move north this season … | … oh hang on, he's never had any doubts. |
| Carlton | Chris Yarran sooks it up again now that he's back in the team … | … then he won't be a Blue in 2014. |
| Collingwood | the Pies can beat Port this weekend ... | … by the end of round 18 they will almost certainly be locked in as 2013 finalists. Nice luxury to have. |
| Essendon | Essendon fans keep taking the moral high ground view over Jobe Watson being booed at Subiaco … | … they seriously need to get off that high horse. Brent Stanton has never forgotten being booed by his own supporters. Pathetic. |
| Fremantle | he's not respected enough already … | … Ross Lyon will clinch universal acclaim should he lead a Dockers team without Pav, Barlow, Mundy and Sandi to a Simonds Stadium win |
| Geelong | people actually took a deep breath and analysed things properly … | … there wouldn't have been the "Cats aren't that good" hysteria after the Lions loss. They've lost two games, this mob, by a total of 11 points. |
| Gold Coast | the Suns haven't already offered Campbell Brown another contract for next season … | … they should. Without comparison as the biggest "comeback" of the season. |
| GWS | Izzy Folau was still at the Giants ... | ... oh hang on, he was never going to still be at the Giants. And he's still counting his AFL millions. |
| Hawthorn | Jarryd Roughead isn't the best forward in the competition at the moment … | … well, he just is. |
| Melbourne | it took this long for Peter Jackson to make changes to the football department … | … you have to ask, even more than we already have, what the hell Cameron Schwab was doing. |
| North Melbourne | the Roos recruiters don't go and get at least one real nasty, hissing-and-spitting type of player for 2014 (a Ryan Crowley-type, for example) … | … this club will continue to be walked over by all opposition. Where was the support for their 35-year-old champion last week? |
| Port Adelaide | Power fans aren't already moved by the Kochy and Ken revival … | … you can bet they will be once they move to Adelaide Oval. |
| Richmond | anyone outside of Richmond thought Bachar Houli was this good … | … we reckon you're lying. Emerging in 2013 as a real star. |
| St Kilda | Sam Fisher's foot injury isn¹t yet another wake-up call for the Saints to sign a key defender in the off season ... | … nothing will be. |
| Sydney Swans | Kurt Tippett isn't one of the most over-priced recruits in history … | … it's up there with Warwick Capper at the Bears. |
| West Coast | someone knows what's happened to Mark Le Cras' once-unparalleled reliability in front of goal … | … can you please tell him? Still performing OK but not at his best in 2013. |
| Western Bulldogs | Ryan Griffen played for Collingwood or Carlton or Richmond … | … he'd be a rockstar. |
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Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian
