WITH the 2023 Toyota AFL Premiership season racing to its conclusion, Damian Barrett's Sliding Doors is really starting to crank up.

So put your seatbelt on and enjoy the ride as Damo takes off the gloves and takes aim at your team.

So what is he saying about your club? What's he saying about the AFL? You can't say that, Damo, can you? Check it out below.

>> CLICK HERE TO READ MORE BARRETT 

IF ...

the Crows are acting angry that Shane McAdam wants out ...

THEN ...

it won't have a major effect on where they finish next season. He's a good player but this list is bursting with high-end forward line talent. In 2024 it cannot afford to waste its talents. It's damning that it didn’t make this year's finals, and that it watched St Kilda and GWS do so. And don't blame that goal umpire. Blame yourselves.

IF ..

the Lions are already waiting for the winner of the Blues-Demons semi-final ...

THEN ...

I can only imagine how jumbled some Lions supporters' emotions will be if it's a Michael Voss-coached team heading their way for a prelim.

IF ...

Silvagni, Dow, Fisher, Hollands and Durdin have all been left out of Friday night's semi-final against Melbourne ...

THEN ...

it's clearly a strong Blues' 22. In the Martin and McKay absences, I would've unleashed Silvagni. Kennedy got the nod. They've got virtually everything right, the Blues, since round 14. They know what they're doing.

IF ...

the Pies in the past two seasons had extraordinarily become liked by nearly everyone in football ...

THEN ...

they're getting too close to a flag for the neutral respect to remain. And non-Pies fans won't like Maynard escaping KO'ing an opponent, nor will they smile at Ed's "justice is done" restaurant presentation. After the events of the past week, normal transmission is probably going to be resumed.

IF ...

Mark Thompson was publicly critical of the Bombers' board nine years ago ...

THEN ...

as of Wednesday night when again asked about problems with the club on Footy Classified, he doubled down. "Essendon is a club where they absorb the people coming in, to try and not change culture, where it should be the other way around. The new people coming in should change the culture because it needs to be fixed." Hello, David Barham.

IF ...

Caleb Serong hadn't been suspended for a week back in round 17 ...

THEN ...

he would be definite smokey for this year's Brownlow. Doesn't kick enough goals (four for the year), but didn't have less than 24 disposals. Didn't play even one bad game. The 2023 Dockers' best-and-fairest. A very special talent.

IF ...

the Cats chose to leave Esava Ratugolea in the VFL for virtually all of 2022 and again late in 2023 ...

THEN ...

they haven't got a lot of scope to play hard ball on trade demands with Port Adelaide. On exposed form from 75 matches, he's an OK player only, and a pick in the 30s would be suitable currency in my eyes.

IF ...

it was obvious a long way out that the people running this club were only ever going to make one decision of note – sack the coach ...

THEN ...

those same people certainly haven't surprised anyone with their inaction and self back-patting since. It's always the coach's fault at these clubs.

IF ...

the Giants have Toby and Tom and Sam and Josh and Lachie and Stephen and Harry ...

THEN ...

they also have Kieren. Kieren Briggs. What a story. First game this year was the 10th of his career, in round 10. Giants finished that game with a 3-7 scoreline. Eleven wins from the next 14 matches. Not that he'd want the acclaim, but Briggsy can lay claim to being THE key to this extraordinary season.

IF ...

James Sicily wasn't already the unluckiest footballer to be spun through the AFL's judiciary systems following a three-match ban for his tackle in round 13 ...

THEN ...

after this week he's officially got the title now.

IF ...

Demon emotions ran at extreme levels following the Angus Brayshaw KO ...

THEN ...

that was totally understandable, given the seriousness of the incident and Brayshaw's history with head knocks. The Demons, again understandably, refused to consider even one nuance attached to the other side of the Brayden Maynard debate. And yet they wanted the entire footy world to do just that – embrace nuances around an accidental head hit – when one of theirs, Jacob van Rooyen, hit the head of Gold Coast Sun Charlie Ballard in round eight.

IF ...

I've said it many times before ...

THEN ...

I'll say it again. Stop asking for assistance from headquarters. Just fix the myriad problems with the right people. And win some matches.

IF ...

big Charlie has played just 13 games in 2023 and none since round 20 ...

THEN ...

his hulking 200cm, 110kg frame will not be in peak match readiness on Saturday night. But he's going to have to find a way to impact the semi-final against GWS, as the forwards in his absence simply haven't fired.

IF ...

Alex Rance's last AFL match was round one, 2019 ...

THEN ...

that's a very long time ago. Turns 34 next month. Committed to an off-field role with Dimma at the Suns in 2024. He couldn't convince him to play, could he? Wouldn't be the silliest idea.

IF ...

making the finals was a massive achievement ...

THEN ...

being smashed by GWS was weirdly a good outcome, too. There are many problem areas on the Saints' list, and the 2023 season review needs to be brutal. The midfield nowhere near the benchmark teams, the forward line lacking any form of X-Factor, the backline too-Wilkie reliant.

IF ...

in 2024 Grundy is in the ruck and Ben McKay down back ...

THEN ...

this will be a very powerful team next year. While 2023 ended in week one of the finals after a Grand Final appearance last year, there was still a lot to like.

IF ...

Don Pyke was named as starting ruck-rover in the Eagles' flag team in 1992, and as the centreman of the '94 success as well as being a '93 best-and-fairest winner ...

THEN ...

his standing within this mighty club is already profound. Now being targeted heavily by club powerbrokers to become CEO. It would be an inspired appointment.

IF ...

the Cats in 2006 and the Tigers 10 years later backed in their senior coaches amidst massive reviews of operations ...

THEN ...

the Bulldogs are doing the same in 2023. Mark Thompson and Damien Hardwick survived, but dramatically changed their ways. Not sure Bevo will be as embracing of the same drastic need for change.

AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE AFL

IF ...

the Brayden Maynard incident ended messily for the AFL given the first two (MRO and Tribunal) of its three judicial bodies said Maynard had no case to answer, and there was no scope to send it to the third (Appeal Board) after Laura Kane used a captain's call to lay the charge in the first place ...

THEN ...

while I fully agree with the Maynard dismissal (and had argued strongly for it in this column last week) I also maintain Kane was 100 per cent right to act the way she did. I hope the football department she runs will as of next season "own" all decisions made on player charges, and not continue to outsource them to a consultant. I hope the Appeal Board is removed from operations, too, leaving a two-body structure (an AFL football department-run MRO and independent, Kings Counsel-run tribunal). That should be more than enough to tick off the required legal protection for players and headquarters. And I'd also ensure that Tribunal hearings for all cases be held within 48 hours of the incident in question (meaning a Saturday hearing for a Thursday incident). This system is long overdue to be sharpened, modernised and streamlined.