| IF | THEN | |
| Adelaide | Rory Sloane is atop the Brownlow leader board at round 21 ... | ... watch Gill start to twitch. |
| Brisbane Lions | your captain and leaders are presenting to the board after round 22 ... | ... your club is in a very bad way. |
| Carlton | you thought SOS oversaw a frenetic trade period last year ... | ... you ain't seen nothin' yet. |
| Collingwood | the Pies had lost their ruthlessness in the footy department ... | ... look out. Here comes Gubby. |
| Essendon | you saw a dark-haired guy high-fiving strangers and randomly jumping to click his heels during the week ... | ... that was Adrian Dodoro. |
| Fremantle | everyone associated with the Dockers was left embarrassed by what happened in Pav's 350th ... | ... surely there is a resolve to rectify that for his farewell. |
| Geelong | the Cats showed anything last year ... | ... it was how to properly farewell champions. Whatever happens with Bartel will be better than what North dished up this week. |
| Gold Coast | there is a silver lining to the Prestia and O'Meara exits ... | ... it is that Tony Cochrane has been fully unleashed. Buckle up. This will be fun, no matter what happens from here. |
| Greater Western Sydney | the curve stays true to its trend of 2016 ... | ... Patton soon finds his name in conversations about the best No.1 draft picks. |
| Hawthorn | three champions agree to pay cuts on the eve of the finals ... | ... we can smell something brewing for trade period. |
| Melbourne | we rate ourselves as a reader of body language ... | ... we're reading bad things into Jesse right now. |
| North Melbourne | you choose to force out the little champ, then fine, that's your call, but ... | ... you've left yourself with zero wiggle room on every other player decision you choose to make, or not make. |
| Port Adelaide | Ollie Wines wasn't the best player in the Showdown last week ... | ... we must have been watching a different match. |
| Richmond | footy is the winner for having Rance as a full-time part of it ... | ... variety television is poorer. As natural as Bert Newton. |
| St Kilda | you've got a short memory ... | ... you won't fully appreciate Sam Fisher. A genuine gun, including two best-and-fairests, in a great Saints era. Hope he gets to go around again in 2017. |
| Sydney Swans | the Rising Star hasn't already been decided ... | ... the calf-injured Callum will be taking a close look at what Caleb does for the Bulldogs in Perth on Sunday. |
| West Coast | you want a living AFL example of the word "class" ... | ... look no further than Nic Nat. Neither shattering personal tragedy last year nor season-ending injury this year has managed to change his beautiful perspective on life. |
| Western Bulldogs | you go back to this time last year ... | ... you'll remember Stringer was about to be named in the starting All Australian 18 for a rep trip to New York and Ireland. Last weekend he was kicking a footy at Avalon Airport Oval and stays in the twos this week. |
| And wait, there's more, as per constant reader request ... | ||
| AFL | you want this week's example of the footy ops' wet-lettuce-leaf style of sanctioning ... | ... notice Wednesday's release of a suspended fine for the Hawks' decision to place a towel over a dressing room camera. |
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Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian
