1: Name needed for journey going forward
THE GOLD Coast Whatevers signed their first three players yesterday, and three strapping lads they are, although their names (Charlie Dixon, Jesse Haberfield and Jack Stanlake) do nothing to resolve the conundrum that has kept us awake at night for weeks and weeks – what to call the team?
Simple souls that we are at The Four Points, we rather hoped one of them might have been named Mitch Bucannon, C.J. Parker or – perhaps more fancifully – Pamela Anderson, for then we could happily accept the Gold Coast Guards as the moniker.
There were no Grant Kennys (or even Lisa Curry-Kennys), so Ironmen is out. Someone called Marlin would have been useful, but we didn't get that. Not even a Ray, for heaven's sake. Which left us only the Stingrays, but despite praying for a Taeniura Grabata, Makararaja Chindwinensis or Himantura Draco, none of the three players appeared to be of Polynesian, Indian or Harry Potterian extraction. The search goes on ...
2: Solving the Pies puzzle
WE THINK we've discovered the answer to Collingwood's recent woes, and because we hate the Magpies we thought we'd reveal it here so nobody will ever find out and try to help them. The answer: captain Scott Burns hasn't been cranky enough on the field.
If Burnsy could routinely summon up the fire he displayed at Tuesday's media conference the Pies would be unbeatable. We'd advise opposition players not to cast aspersions on Mick Malthouse in front of the skipper. He'll pile on the defensive pressure.
Slag off Collingwood's leg speed? Suggest that the Pies might be weary after covering 960,000km in the pre-season? Burns will get annoyed. Boring, he'll say. Not worth talking about. Malthouse went on a self-imposed media blackout for a while recently. But who needs him with Captain Cranky around?
3: Total control
WITH a name like Huddo, Huddo should know about full-forwards, because Huddo (no relation, as far as we know) was one of the all-time greats. (Sure, on that basis Gary Coleman – "What you talkin' 'bout, Craig Willis?" – should also be an expert on goal-kickers, but cut us some slack here ...)
Huddo on Wednesday offers the intriguing theory that being "flamboyant but flawed" may be part of the make-up of most spearheads. He points to the likes of Fev, Buddy, G Ablett I, Plugger and Mods as examples, but also notes that recent premiership teams have boasted "well-controlled players" such as Matthew Lloyd, Warren Tredrea and Alastair Lynch. Huddo then metaphorically coughs and quietly also offers Barry Hall and Cameron Mooney as flag-winning full-forwards.
Lloydy? Controlled? Yep. Anyone with shorts worn that high has everything well contained. And we mean everything! Tredders? Maybe. Although that theatrical bow to the crowd after kicking a critical goal against North in last year's preliminary final didn't suggest a man with his emotions entirely in check.
But Lynchy! Does Huddo not recall that paragon of calm's flailing arms in the 2004 Grand Final, the fists attached to the end of which were mainly directed at Darryl Wakelin's noggin? Ten weeks and $15,000 worth of control, if we remember rightly.
4: A Chance to bag a teammate
CHANCE Bateman offered up the requisite mea culpa about last Friday night's epic clash between the Hawks and the Cats when he spoke to afl.com.au's fragrant Irish lass, O'Catherine O'Murphy, on Tuesday. Not good enough. Have to improve. To be sure, to be sure. Etc, etc.
But quietly secreted away on the Hawks website was the truly newsworthy part of Bateman's chat with O'Murphy, who came 183rd in the 2001 Rose of Tralee competition. Somehow the subject of Luke Hodge's new bubba came up and, somewhat bizarrely, the issue of who might best be a babysitter among the Hawks' ranks.
Sam Mitchell would be good, apparently, because he's got a good-looking fiancée and could do with some practice. But Campbell Brown? Nup. Mummy's boy, according to Bateman. Still had his mum cooking and cleaning for him after he left home. Domestically challenged. Dare we suggest that any son of big bad Mal Brown who did know how to cook and clean would probably have been run out of the house?
What to look for this Wednesday on afl.com.au
Clubbing
Put a microphone in front of a coach/assistant coach/sacked football manager and we reckon something incredibly newsworthy will result. Several times over.
Huge rift at Brisbane Lions
Simon Black joins the cheerful chappies at Dream TV to discuss his Dream Team, and controversially hits back at teammate Jonathan Brown over his criticism of Black's DT coaching abilities.
