IF
 		THEN
 
Adelaide
 		week one of finals is packed with four games we can't wait to see unfold ...... the Crows-Bulldogs match still holds the most appeal. And just have the feeling that something very special could happen to the winner.
Brisbane Lions
 		this club had its time over again ...... there is no way it wins last weekend. Even in rare victory in 2015, the Lions lose.
Carlton
 		the Blues get told they'll get pick two for Kreuzer ...... Kreuzer is outta there. But until the AFL uses its oh-so-bendable-to-suit-every-occasion free agency rules to determine the compo, everyone is left waiting.
Collingwood
 		Treloar has been effectively secured ...... we now anticipate more trading action.
Essendon
 		you think Carlisle will have an easy passage out of Essendon ...... think again. Bombers notoriously difficult in trade period.
Fremantle
 		you take a close look at the quality of most of the 14 'ins' this week ...... it is seriously scary. People have doubted, but Ross the Boss knows what he’s doing. Up to his players from here.
Geelong
 		Stevie J is going out and Scott Selwood is coming in ...... Scott Selwood is going to need to play very, very well in 2016.
Gold Coast
 		Bennell and Dixon are walking out ...... you might be rid of a lot of off-field issues, but you’re also left without some seriously elite football talent which is not easily replaced.
Greater Western Sydney

 		a player's manager says, on the record: "He (Cam McCarthy) has requested to be traded back to WA" ...... someone in power at the Giants is aware of this situation. And yes, we know McCarthy's contracted until the end of 2017. We stated that as fact in our reporting. Maybe left hand doesn't know what has happened to right hand. Wouldn't be the first time. Tom Boyd, anyone? Adam Treloar?
Hawthorn
 		Isaac Smith is the only Hawk who is very, very sore right now ...... well, he's not. There are a lot of banged up Hawks who will be requiring special treatment just to get out there against the Eagles tonight. Big watch on Gunston.
Melbourne
 		you look at the end-of-season ladder ...... you'll notice the Dees were one spot ahead of the team we'd been pumping up most of the year, St Kilda. Maybe 2015 wasn't so bad after all. Or maybe we overrated the Saints' efforts.
North MelbourneBrad Scott wanted apologies after a loss last week ...... we can only imagine what he may feel he is rightly owed after a win this week. Sure we'll find out.
Port Adelaide
 		your salary cap is already bursting ...... something has to give as you attempt to add Charlie Dixon. Rival clubs are paying close attention.
Richmond
 		you're a Tigers fan ...... you're watching Stevie J on The Footy Show, probably thinking: "Yeah, I might have hated him for 10 years but now I really want to see him in yellow and black."
St Kilda
 		If Arma touched the footy even one more time in 2015 ...... he would've got leather poisoning. Come on, All Australian selectors. Surely he was worthy of a place in the final 40.
Sydney Swans
 		there's one thing we won't do ...... it is dare offer comment about a condition which outsiders cannot comprehend. All we'll say about Buddy is that we hope he takes all the time he needs to get better.
West Coast
 		you're officially in All Australian contention having entered the year with just 13 matches to your name ...... you're freakishly talented. The next challenge for McGovern is to transform his body into that of an elite footballer.
Western Bulldogswe ran the Bulldogs ...... we would've been a lot louder in our protest against where this elimination final is being played. They've been wronged.


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Follow Damian Barrett on Twitter: @barrettdamian