WITH the 2022 Toyota AFL Premiership season up and running, naturally, Damian Barrett's Sliding Doors is also up and about. 

So put your seatbelt on and enjoy the ride as Damo takes off the gloves and takes aim at your team.

So what is he saying about your club? What's he saying about the AFL? You can't say that, Damo, can you? Check it out below.

>> CLICK HERE TO READ MORE BARRETT 

IF ...

even North Melbourne went sort-of-close to beating Collingwood last weekend ...

THEN ...

the Crows need to be planning all-out for a desperately needed win against the Pies in round 18. If it hadn't been for the headlines attached to the dire performances of the Roos and Eagles (the only teams the Crows have beaten in the past 10 matches), this club's very ordinary season would've been more in focus.

Adelaide players look dejected after their loss to Hawthorn in round 17, 2022. Picture: AFL Photos

IF ..

there are six significant ins for the game against GWS ...

THEN ...

there are another two significant outs (Adams, McInerney) among the six in total, which follows the nine forced changes from round 17. Another danger game looming. COVID threatening to end the Lions' season.

Marcus Adams and Oscar McInerney in action for Brisbane against Essendon in round 17, 2022. Picture: AFL Photos

IF ...

the AFL has now scrapped the need for players to be COVID-vaccinated ...

THEN ...

don't for a minute think Liam Jones will be heading back to the Blues. Won't be happening.

Carlton's Liam Jones gestures during the clash against Richmond in R1, 2021. Picture: AFL Photos

IF ...

Ollie Henry is not, through omission, in Collingwood's 22 to play against the Crows on Saturday ...

THEN ...

the Pies are clearly travelling very nicely. A star of the future surprisingly surplus to requirements in round 18, 2022.

Collingwood's Oliver Henry celebrates a goal against Hawthorn in round 12 at the MCG on June 5, 2022. Picture: AFL Photos

IF ...

Mason Redman is back after health and safety protocols ...

THEN ...

I hope the absence won't have cost him a crack at the 2022 Bombers' best and fairest award. One of the true bright lights of another dull season.

00:36 Mins
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Outrageous Redman bomb puts Essendon in front

The Bombers take back the lead late in the final term after Mason Redman launches this long-range missile through the goals

Published on

IF ...

I was to assume the role of a syrupy American drama scriptwriter ...

THEN ...

the storyline of the Dockers' success in 2022 would be traced back to the final seconds of round one, when Heath Chapman, in just his seventh game, extraordinarily thrust his right hand at an incoming ball and blocked what would have been a match-winning Adelaide goal with just seven seconds on the clock. Chapman returns for Saturday's match against the Swans. And he's way more than a cameo actor in this drama.

02:34 Mins
Published on

Last two mins: Crazy goalkeeper save denies Crows in insane ending

Enjoy the thrilling final moments between the Crows and Dockers at Adelaide Oval

Published on

IF ...

I've been tipping the Cats for the Grand Final since before the year even started ...

THEN ...

I'm certainly not deviating now. But I reckon the Blues will get 'em on Saturday night at the 'G in what could be one of the games of the year.

Geelong players celebrate a goal during round 17, 2022. Picture: AFL Photos

IF ...

the massive, maybe best-ever-win-in-club-history heroics against the Tigers are going to genuinely mean something ...

THEN ...

victory against the lowly Essendon at Marvel Stadium on Sunday is non-negotiable.

00:56 Mins
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Anderson's match-winner seals the deal

Noah Anderson nailed this after-the-siren kick to give his Suns a memorable victory

Published on

IF ...

Tim Taranto looks really good in charcoal, orange and white ...

THEN ...

he's clearly considering that he may look even better in black and white.

Tim Taranto in action for Greater Western Sydney against Collingwood in round 15, 2022. Picture: AFL Photos

IF ...

outside of Mitch Lewis and James Sicily's return there haven't been a lot of high points for the Hawks in '22 ...

THEN ...

here's one: Dylan Moore. Adding layers to his goalsneak skillset late in the season.

Dylan Moore runs with the ball during Hawthorn's clash against Adelaide in round 17, 2022. Picture: Getty Images

IF ...

most lives are full of setbacks and reality checks ...

THEN ...

the football life of Jake Bowey is now experiencing that. First 17 matches, including a Grand Final – all wins. Past six matches – four losses. Now axed for Sunday's game against Port. Not yet 20 years of age. Guaranteed to bounce back.

Jake Bowey will play his first VFL match for the season for Casey Demons as he strives to win his Melbourne spot back. Picture: AFL Photos

IF ...

you're familiar with Denis Pagan's phrases ...

THEN ...

you'd know of 'Snowy off the tram'. Snowy wouldn't have needed to pay a consultant (Geoff Walsh, who had twice abandoned the Roos for supposedly greener pastures in the past) to tell him the joint was a mess and that the coach needed to go, and probably shouldn't have been appointed in the first place, nor the coach before that. Snowy would say: "Time for this club to take control of its own operations, before the AFL does."

David Noble talks to media after resigning as North Melbourne coach on July 12, 2022. Picture: Getty Images/AFL Photos

IF ...

Port Adelaide in 2022 is to be viewed as a movie character ...

THEN ...

it is Bruce Willis' John McClane in Die Hard. Looked gone after a 0-5 start, as John did when the terrorists invaded the tower. But somehow still alive with six rounds to go. Love Kenny's never, ever say die outlook.

Connor Rozee celebrates a goal with Zak Butters during Port Adelaide's clash against Greater Western Sydney in round 17, 2022. Picture: AFL Photos

IF ...

Lynch is a big out ...

THEN ...

Cotchin and Balta are big ins. Tigers won't be losing to North, and are still in the race for the most unlikely of flags.

Trent Cotchin in action for Richmond against Carlton in round 14, 2022. Picture: AFL Photos

IF ...

a team's character can possibly be measured in one match ...

THEN ...

for the Saints, it is Friday night. Let's see what they've got, against the Bulldogs at Marvel Stadium. No Naughton for the Dogs, no excuses for St Kilda.

St Kilda leaves the field after losing to Fremantle in round 17, 2022. Picture: Getty Images

IF ...

in the very first game ever played at, in my eyes, the best stadium in the country, Optus Stadium in Perth, big Bud kicked eight goals ...

THEN ...

in the 106 since played at the venue, no player has bettered that tally. Bud returns on Saturday night, amid questions about his future, for a much-needed Swans win against the Dockers. What odds the greatest showman bags another eight? I've got him down for six.

Lance Franklin celebrates a goal during Sydney's clash against West Coast in round one, 2018. Picture: AFL Photos

IF ...

Adam Simpson keeps saying he's not going to North Melbourne ...

THEN ...

it doesn't mean he's not going to North Melbourne. Calls are being made. A lot to play out here.

Adam Simpson addresses his West Coast players against Greater Western Sydney in R10, 2022. Picture: AFL Photos

IF ...

the rock god Bailey returning is a massive positive ...

THEN ...

Naughton out with health and safety protocols is equally negative. Over to you, as always, Bont.

Aaron Naughton flies for a mark during the R16 clash between Brisbane and Western Bulldogs at the Gabba on June 30, 2022. Picture: Getty Images

AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE AFL

IF ...

there is to be a better sports event in 2022 than rugby league's State of Origin Game 3 at Lang Park on Wednesday night ...

THEN ...

it's going to take some serious doing. Incredible, at-times unbelievable, edgy, edge-of-seat drama. There was no script, just guts, heart, team heroics, individual heroes, inexcusable and yet equally compelling-to-watch punch-ons, raw emotion, fairytale outcome. The NRL is in the clubhouse for best sports event this year, with an eight-stroke lead. Over to you, AFL clubs.