IT'S BACK ... Damian Barrett's Sliding Doors is in full swing for 2023 and no one and NO CLUB is safe.

So put your seatbelt on, strap yourselves in and enjoy the ride as Damo takes off the gloves and takes aim at your team.

So what is he saying about your club? What's he saying about the AFL? You can't say that, Damo, can you? Check it out below.

>> CLICK HERE TO READ MORE BARRETT 

IF ...

concussion was the reason Patrick Parnell slipped out of the Crows team, after being smashed in a tackle by Nathan Broad in round two ...

THEN ...

concussion to teammate Nick Murray has created the vacancy for him to return. A mid-season draft selection from two years ago who will have a big job against the Saints’ forward line on Sunday.

IF ..

Dayne Zorko wasn’t required in round eight (out with a hamstring) ...

THEN ...

the Lions always look better with him in the starting 22. Back for Saturday’s game against Essendon.

IF ...

Michael Voss’ success as a Lions player came under the coaching of Leigh Matthews ...

THEN ...

he would be familiar with the phrase “if it bleeds, we can kill it”, from the movie Predator. Used by Lethal before a round 10 match in 2001, against reigning premier Essendon. The Lions didn’t lose again that year. Contrast that public boldness with the Blues’ insipid public statements this week. Brian Cook’s “if we don’t make (the final eight), it is not the end of the world”, and Adam Cerra’s “I definitely wouldn’t call it a failure” if the Blues weren’t to make finals. This club needs to harden up publicly. It’s OK to go on record with high hopes. As Voss discovered in 2001, it can actually be empowering.

IF ...

Darcy Moore won an All-Australian jacket in 2020 ...

THEN ...

he’s beautifully positioned for a second piece of stitchwork on the pocket in 2023. And then maybe some more stitchwork with the letter C.

IF ...

Kyle Langford was a first round national draft pick in 2014 ...

THEN ...

in some respects it’s taken him nine seasons to become an overnight sensation. Compiling a really nice season in many roles.

IF ...

it’s one thing to belt up on the last-placed team on the ladder, as happened in round eight against Hawthorn ...

THEN ...

it will mean nothing if it isn’t followed up with a good performance against Sydney. The Swans have the same amount of wins (three) and are vulnerable.

IF ...

Danger, De Koning, Guthrie, Henry, Stengle, Close, Stanley, Menegola, Rohan and Bowes are all out with injury or suspension ...

THEN ...

that’s a lot of star power on the sidelines. Vulnerable against the Tigers on Friday night, but they’ll still get the job done.

IF ...

I am admittedly harsh on this club ... 

THEN ...

so be it. Yeah, yeah, it was a good performance against Melbourne last week. But it was yet another loss. There have been 193 losses from 267 matches as an AFL entity in 12 and a half seasons. Gallant, brave performances don’t mean a thing any more. Couldn’t possibly lose to the West Coast Witches Hats under Friday night lights.

IF ...

Tom Green had played a lot of good footy before last weekend ...

THEN ...

match No.52 was probably his best. But he was still beaten by THE best, Bont. Tracking beautifully, Green, toward a place among the game’s best midfielders.

IF ...

I began the week believing I’d be finally making a positive reference here about the Hawks ...

THEN ...

by the end of it the negativity was way too compelling to ignore. Again. Actually not sure where to start. Maybe the last place on the ladder, percentage 61.6. Maybe Clarko, the once-loved, premiership winning messiah, who on Thursday called his old club “shameful” for its handling of its racism inquiry. Guess he won’t be RSVPing to the 2013 flag reunion. Maybe the regularly hypocritical former president Jeff Kennett bobbing up to try to remove himself and his club from the mess it created with its botched handling of a racism investigation. I’ve now heard it all. As Hawks boss, Kennett ordered the probe into racism. That inquiry didn’t put claims of racism to those accused of it, including Clarko and Chris Fagan. Findings were then “dumped” with the AFL. And then on Thursday Kennett called for the AFL’s independent probe into the matter to be “closed down”. That may be what has to happen now, but Kennett has zero right to have an opinion on any of this. In my eyes, and I’ve been saying this for months, Kennett and his club need to be part of the official AFL sanctions that will come out of this mess. I’d be removing national draft picks, as a starting point. And I’d be launching a separate inquiry into the Hawks’ processes around every aspect of its racism investigation. Too many people have now been badly hurt, particularly those who were asked to provide their experiences as players at Hawthorn.

IF ...

the Demons are in one of those moods THEN...

THEN ...

they will beat the Hawks by 120 points on Saturday at the MCG.

IF ...

it was a brutal selection call to axe the warrior Ben Cunnington ...

THEN ...

it was nevertheless the right one. Just hasn’t been anywhere near his best this year.

IF ...

Brayden Maynard was on Nick Daicos watch last weekend and was a bodyguard as much as a player ...

THEN ...

I expect Trav Boak to play the same role for Jason Horne-Francis against North Melbourne in Launceston on Saturday. Obviously with less of a need to seemingly wrestle everyone who may have even look the wrong way, but with a protective arm throughout the match nevertheless.

IF ...

Dimma last weekend accused Kane Cornes of saying things purely for clicks ...

THEN ...

in that very moment he was doing exactly that himself. Don’t for a minute think he was doing anything other than deliberately diverting attention from his very ordinarily performing team. Really struggled against the West Coast Witches Hats until midway through the third quarter, have won just two matches.

IF ...

the Saints are a pronounced competition-best in 2023 for points conceded ...

THEN ...

they are a mere 12th for points scored. This is going to become a problem.

IF ...

the Swans have won just three matches in 2023 ...

THEN ...

it should be five. Inexplicably lost games it had done more than enough to win against GWS in round seven and Port Adelaide in round four. And pushed hard against Collingwood for three quarters last weekend. Going better than the ladder suggests, but are smashed with injury and have damningly lost their aura in the midfield.

IF ...

the West Coast Witches Hats have been given a home game under Friday night lights ...

THEN ...

I’m worried. Don’t deserve to be anywhere near a marquee slot. Hoping they can be watchable for more than a half.

IF ...

until this year James O’Donnell hadn’t played football for three years and just 36 days ago wasn’t even in the AFL system ...

THEN ...

come on down. Listed as a Category B rookie early last month, extraordinarily named for his debut AFL game on Saturday night. 197cm, 88kg. It’s in his blood to perform on the big stage. Dad Simon was a gun ODI cricketer for Australia in the 1990s.

AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE AFL

IF ...

the AFL judiciary system wasn’t already ridiculous enough – a Match Review Office overseen by a part-time official into an independent tribunal overseen by retired players and lawyers into an appeals tribunal overseen by retired players and lawyers ...

THEN ...

the dismissal of Nic Newman’s hit on Lachie Neale was more evidence. It was apparently the “other” arm, not the one for which he was charged, which did the damage. And no idea why Neale himself was allowed to appear as a witness. The old players’ code alive and well, again. Thought we got rid of that. And Jacob van Rooyen had his case flushed through the convoluted system enough times to be free to play. MRO – two week suspension. Tribunal - two week suspension. Appeals tribunal – nothing to see here, free to play. A Saturday night incident reaching a Thursday night “outcome”. You could play a cricket Test Match inside that timeframe. I have no idea what messages are being sent, by whom.